Pippinism The Second
by The Gothic Elf
Summary: Sequel to 'Of Pippinisms'. NOT a Mary-Sue, but a witty sort of Pippin-Diamond Romance with an original twist. No profanity, just modernisms. It's quite funny, I promise. Read on....
1. Default Chapter

(Intro to) Pippinism The Second Enjoy (  
  
  
  
Name: Diamond (Took)  
  
Properties: Owns a Hobbit Hole at Long Cleeve, and also a small plot of land inherited from her grandfather.. which may be used to grow vegetables.  
  
Melting point: approximately 4 hugs.  
  
Boiling point: approximately 6 unwashed shirts.  
  
Structure: About 3''2' tall and slim.  
  
Conducts.? : Sorry, she's not very interested in music, unless it involves off-key renditions of 'The Hedgehog Song'.  
  
Elements: said to be 'in her element' when covered from head to toe in paint and doodling on a canvas.  
  
Interesting facts: Met Pippin when he fell on her from out of a tree (don't ask). Is to be married to Master Took tomorrow, actually.. 


	2. Of Nightmares and Laughing your Head Off

Again- R&R please- I do not mind what your opinion of this is as long as you show me you're not a moron who hasn't got one! Enjoy (  
  
Of Nightmares and Laughing Your Head Off  
  
  
  
Pip was standing there, in his best clothes, washed and poshed and waiting for Diamond, at the end of the aisle. All about him were seated guests, also wearing their best waistcoats or skirts, cheerful, some (notably his own Ma, Eglantine) were waving and calling encouragement.  
  
He stood. And he waited.  
  
He waited a long time. The guests twisted round in their seats to see if Miss Diamond had arrived yet. Nobody came. 20 minutes passed and Pip felt his lower lip start to tremble. After a further 5 minutes of embarrassing waiting, when Merry was just getting ready to get up and console him.  
  
An enormous mushroom in a dress walked in.  
  
Pippin jumped, it was wearing Diamond's own dress, but the guests cheered and didn't seem to think it at all odd. Pippin stared at it in horror. Where was Diamond? The mushroom stood beside him and the Mayor started to say the vows to it. The mushroom replied, turning towards Pippin.  
  
'Flobble-blobble bobbobfloob..'  
  
Pippin cried out in horror and turned to the congregation, hoping they might see something wrong now. He screamed when he saw they'd all vanished. He turned to Merry, terrified and Merry suddenly looked very strange. Merry seemed to be turing into a mushroom as well.  
  
Pippin turned from the scene to run out of the pavilion, and woke up, screaming from his dream, just as the Mayor laughed his head off and it rolled down the aisle. He sat up in bed, wide-eyed and sweating, gasping from his shock.  
  
Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ,what a horrible dream. It maybe would sound funny when he told Merry in the morning, but right now, at 3 O'clock in the morning before his wedding, it seemed horrifyingly realistic. He shivered and wrapped the covers round his damp, naked skin, even though it was a warm night in Thrimidge (May).  
  
If Diamond had been next to him, he could have told her and she'd have said not to worry, but now he couldn't see her until his mushrooming, er, wedding. Hell, he was scared. 


	3. Of The Bloke In The Mirror

Of The Bloke in The Mirror  
  
  
  
Diamond checked herself in the mirror for the thousandth time that morning. She sighed and nervously twiddled with her hair. Her dress was immaculate, as always, and the palest shade of blue. She wasn't used to wearing very much jewellery, but the sapphire necklace and circlet had been a gift from Pippin - apparently they'd belonged to some Elven-Princess long ago - and looked so regal that she hardly recognised herself.  
  
Malva was bustling around the Hole, doing last-minute arrangements and gently herding well - wishing relatives out of the door with a 'Yes, thank you, Mistress Bracegirdle, I'm sure Diamond's dying to hear your advice on what to do on wedding-nights, but right now we've got a cheesecake to attend to '.  
  
'Hell, Malva, I know I'm a rubbish cook but I didn't think I'd ever be so daft as to make a salad with the caterpillars still in,' said Diamond with a faint smile.  
  
'Eh?', replied Malva, bemused.  
  
'Well, I feel like my stomach's full of butterflies,' explained Diamond.  
  
'Look, trust me on this. You'll be just fine. He's a great guy, and the worst thing about him is just a tendency to do his shirt up wrong nine times out of ten and forget to comb his toes most mornings. You.um, well, you have so much in common!'  
  
Diamond was just working out whether or not to take this as a compliment when an elderly friend called out:  
  
'If it don't work and 'ees a complete bastard, you can always divorce 'im and get 'alf 'is money, the rich whatsit!'.  
  
'That will do, Mistress Bolger' cried Malva, ushering her out the door as Diamond started wailing.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
'My friend, today you lose your freedom, as a.' began Merry solemnly.  
  
'Eh? Whit aire ye bletherin' aboot, ye nutter ? Awa' aind chase yerself!' replied Pip playfully.  
  
It was likely his friend still wasn't quite up to scratch anyway. It was customary in Hobbiton to hold a party of some description the night before a wedding. Or two parties, rather. For most people these were fairly casual affairs, like your average birthday party.  
  
However, there were some people who held the sort of wild bunfight where the host ended up glued to one of the market stalls at four in the morning. Not mentioning any names-Master Took. And although everybody who'd been there claimed they'd had a thumping good time (after their headaches had subsided), not all of them could remember what had happened.  
  
Diamond's party had been a little less crazed, but the essence of her partying was this:  
  
One drink- she's Pippin's  
  
Two drinks - she's Merry's  
  
Three drinks - she's anybody's  
  
Four drinks - she's nobody's  
  
And as long as she kept that in mind nothing catastrophic usually happened.  
  
Anyway, Pippin had considered this and held the parties a few days in advance. Even so, Merry still had a tendency to walk in slight zigzags if he wasn't concentrating.  
  
Pip took one final look, straightening his scarf and hoping to hell he didn't look as crazed as the bloke in the mirror did, and followed Merry out of the door to the Party Field. 


	4. Of Waiting and Falling in LoveAgain

Of Waiting and Falling in Love.Again  
  
Note: Please review, because I don't mind what your opinion of this is, but I do mind if you don't TELL me what your opinion is, ok?  
  
Pip stood at the front, wishing he had something to brace his knees against so they didn't knock together so audibly.  
  
Not that he was scared, but he was starting to regret inviting his fourth cousin's twice-removed by marriage on his fathers side's mother in law's uncle and all his friends and not to mention what seemed like half the shire in front of him.  
  
'Just hold tight and think of stuffed mushrooms,' he told himself.  
  
And suddenly, this.. Princess..in blue walked over. Diamond was there, standing beside him, smiling. In a blue dress which seemed to 'cling' rather than be worn, and the elven jewels about her brow and neck, deep waves of chestnut hair flowing to her waist and her blue eyes sparkling, he hardly recognised her.  
  
Pip stood and stared open mouthed for a few seconds, then leaned sideways to whisper to Merry (sitting in the front row):  
  
'Ah think. Ah think ah've jist fallen in luv a' ower again'.  
  
'Good. Try and land on your feet this time, not your arse.' replied Merry enthusiastically.  
  
The hobbit who would be leading the ceremony was none other than Took Paladin himself. Rather embarrassingly, he also happened to be Pippin's own father. He was also extremely elderly, deaf in one ear and only marginally better in the other, and verged on the senile at times.  
  
'She'sh polished up well, 'asn't she?' he said loudly to his son, flashing a toothless grin at the congregation.  
  
Pippin thought 'why me?', crossed his fingers and nodded emphatically. He almost fell over trying to cross his toes for extra luck, just as his Da took a deep wheezy breath, and opened his mouth to begin the ceremony.. 


	5. Of Awful Wedded Husbands and Pippin's Mi...

Of Awful Wedded Husbands and Pippin's Middle Name  
  
'We are all feathered here today - fwats that say? Oh - to witness the weeding-fwat? -the wedding of Diamond of long sleeves-yesh, they've very pretty, m'dear..'  
  
'What are?'  
  
'Eh?'  
  
'What are?'  
  
'Yer sleeves, m'dear, lovly and long.and Peregrin..'  
  
'Not the middle name, not the middle name, no, not the middle..,' muttered Pip franticly.  
  
'.Longbottom.'  
  
'.Oh shite.'  
  
There was the sound of about 500 hobbits simultaneously snorting into their hankies with repressed laughter. Merry burst out laughing, unable to stop himself.  
  
'.Took . Please will ye re-fwat? - bleat after me. Ay, Diamond of long sleeves.'  
  
'I, Diamond of Long Cleeve'  
  
'Do take Peregrin Longbottom Took...'  
  
(There was that snorting sound again. Pippin told himself to sit tight and just think about being elsewhere)  
  
'Do take Peregrin, er, Longbottom Took'  
  
'To be my awful husband.'  
  
'To be my lawful husband'  
  
'To love and to perish.'  
  
'Love and to cherish'  
  
'In darkness and in light, in happiness and in-fwat?- sadness, with or without mushrooms..,' the old codger rambled.  
  
'Um, are you making these up?' asked Diamond tentatively.  
  
'Ummm.lessee now.nope.' replied Paladin. Diamond continued, gamely repeating the vows.  
  
Paladin managed to get his words marginally better when it came to Pippin's turn, though got one of the vows as ' to love and to ravish', which made all the hobbit children in the congregation ask their Mothers some very difficult questions. And the coughing fit halfway through probably didn't help either.  
  
At the end of the.ceremony.Pippin felt extremely relieved. He felt more like turning and taking a bow for surviving this, than turning and kissing Diamond because he was married to her.  
  
And the first thing Merry said when people had moved off to the benches for the party was: 'I didn't know your middle name was Longbottom.' 


	6. Of Gaffer Gates and a Wedding Party

Of Gaffer Gates and a Wedding party  
  
Pippin and Diamond both felt they deserved a drink after that. They meandered to the party field, (and they would've been arm in arm if that didn't involve one of them dislocating theirs to be at the right height), behind the guests.  
  
Parties with Merry and Pippin as hosts were usually some of the best known to Hobbitton. Parties with Pippin and Diamond as host and hostess were merely the weirdest known to Hobbitton.  
  
There were mass firework displays, as Merry and Pip had, of course met many amazing people on their travels, (even if Gandalf had taken a well-deserved permanent holiday), there were at least a few people left in Middle-Earth who could pull a fireworks display almost as good. With any luck, the guests who'd maybe figure it out would be too drunk to realize Merry and Pip had in fact met these amazing people down the Green Dragon.  
  
The music was provided by some of the best 'bands' in the Shire, as is completely fitting for a Thain's wedding. 'The Smashing Mushrooms' had played at Bilbo and Frodo's joint party, and Merry, being a massive MadHanna fan, had got her in to sing at his best friend's party, along with Black Solmath, Gaffer Gates and The Shirrifs.  
  
Diamond and Pip wandered about, playing the happy couple and generally being as charming as anybody who'd just survived their own wedding could be, even when Paladin insisted upon showing everybody some rather fascinating portraits of Pip as a young child. 'I say, it's a good job the artist put that flower where he did! Was it a very hot summer's d...?' 'Put theim awai, Da! Honestly.!'  
  
The wedding party continued happily, long into the evening. Merry's 'Best hobbit' speech was a great success ('I don't know half of you.um, at all, and I like some of your wives much more than half as well as I'm supposed t.oh stuff this, FREE DRINKS!', and there was a hearty cheer).  
  
Among the guests were of course, Paladin and Eglantine Took, Pippin's parents. The Tooks in general had a reputation for being outlandish and strange, and even though Pippin would sometimes like to have said they were totally normal, his parents really were no exception. Diamond had met them both several times before, although Paladin was generally kept extremely busy (despite being aged 104) being the Took.  
  
'Hullo, m'dear! Well, somebody looks absolutely lovely today!' cried Eglantine, coming over to Diamond and giving her a gigantic hug. (It would be much better to refer to her in shortened form, as in 'Eggy', but the last person who'd tried that one was still looking for their ears after she'd boxed them.)  
  
'Och thanks! Ah think it's this new waistcoat actualli, the colour really works on me.' replied Pippin enthusiastically, trailing off as he very slowly realised she was talking about his wife.  
  
'I think it went very well, don't you? And the party's in full swing too,' said Eglantine.  
  
'Tha' depeinds on your definition o' 'very well',' muttered Pip under his breath, causing Diamond to snort into her wineglass.  
  
'What's that, dear?'  
  
'Ah said 'except th' fireworks cain sometimes smell'. Sort o' smoky.'  
  
'Only if the person lighting them set himself on fire as well. Incidentally, I don't suppose I've told you about the time my son actually almost did that.?'  
  
'Er, no. It doesn't exactly surprise me though. Do tell.'  
  
Pippin left them nattering together. He was very fond of his Ma, but she, like his sisters, could talk the hind leg off a donkey. Talk of the she- devil(s), he thought, as they pranced by in a row together. They looked rather strange, as they'd cried profusely at the end of the ceremony (they always did), and the soot they'd used as eye makeup had run something shocking.  
  
Pip thought back fondly to his childhood memories of waiting until one of them had a fingerful of soot ready to use, just in front of their eye, then creeping up behind and dropping the cat on them. Happy times.but he was grown up now, with a wife.and sweet Eru, probably children sometime as well. He couldn't really believe it even now.  
  
He walked past the main gathering of tables, where Merry's 'best hobbit' speech had been such a success he was now saying it for the second time, albeit rather more slurred. He had their wedding-cake in front of him, with two little marchpane (marzipan) hobbit figurines on the top.  
  
Pippin was just in time to see him finish the speech amid much applause, and, whipping his wineglass up with a flourish to take a drink, knock the heads clean off the figures. He winced as a small hobbit child picked them up, wiped them on her smock and ran away with them.  
  
Pippin smiled. Maybe not that much had changed after all. Merry was still getting drunk, Diamond was still beautiful and things still tended to go interestingly wrong when he was near them. 


	7. Of Endings and Apologies

Regarding Pippinisms  
  
Just so nobody continues checking for nonexistent updates, I would like to say I am choosing to end this story as it is. I know it seems incomplete, and believe me I had intended to go on and do a story all about little Faramir, but this excruciatingly stretched-out bore of a saga story isn't something I want to keep doing.  
  
I mean, while I've had absolutely no bad or flaming reviews, I've not warned anybody about the slashy contents in the story this is a sequel to, I haven't offered any explanation as to why Pippin is the only Took with a Scottish accent (I do actually have a reason- his sisters are quite snobbish and perceive the accent as common, and therefore tried not to talk like that as they grew up.  
  
Strange I know, but that is my personal take on them, seeing as Tolkien wrote absolutely nothing on them I think it is justified I can interpret them in my own way. And Pippin's mother wouldn't have a Tookish accent because it wasn't her side of the family, she is a Banks, not a Took. And Paladin would have had a Tookish accent except that I chose to write his voice as being cracked with age and thought that if I'd written if with his voice old AND the accent, nobody would have understood at all what he was talking about!)  
  
I also made the hobbits swear. Somebody doesn't agree with this, and they have got a point, J R R Tolkien never has them swearing, even in times of great stress. However, I considered this and thought that they would use some milder oaths, because Tolkeins style is more reported than this type of closer, more focused writing. 'Shite' is an archaic form of curse, they certainly wouldn't use the F-word, and I've been very careful not to let any character say 'Ye gods!' or 'Oh my God' because they DIDN'T have gods. That's the point.  
  
I just think I can do much better writing and in places this story strikes me as tasteless instead of funny in many ways. And did I mention the utterly stupid chapter titles?  
  
Pippinisms forever. Maybe I will do something about Faramir. Rest assured it will be better quality than this rubbish. : ) 


End file.
